Should You Charge Your Girlfriend Rent?

love

A few days ago, I stumbled across a very interesting discussion on Yelp. A girl lost her job. Her boyfriend invites her to move in with him, but she will have to chip in some money every month. The girl gets offended and wants validation to feel the way she does:

My boyfriend  of three years who makes over 100K per year,( his last bonus was 13K )and he owns his home, recently  offered to let me move in. I am a recently unemployed sales rep, who on average when working makes high 40-mid 50K. My Boyfriend counter offers the move in with “you can pay the same that your paying now to your current roommate, I wouldn’t ask you for anymore than that”. I calmly said I would think it over, but feel just sick to my stomach. I feel any romance to the situation was out the window, we have spoke of children and getting married someday. Will he turn to me while I am in labor and say ” Oh yeah, rents due!”.  I am not a girlfriend who just takes, for two whole years we went dutch and I still offer to pay and buy things with out being asked. Please also keep in mind I am recently unemployed, where is the helping hand here? OK YELPERS, LET ME HAVE IT…AM I WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY?

The responses in the beginning were mostly sympathetic to the girl. Some say not to move in with him. Some say to break up with him. And some say to charge him for sex.

There were a few responses asking why should he support her. If she wants a free place to live, she can move back with her parents.

Towards the end, the boyfriend responded:

I have some experience here.  My now Ex GF posted here not that long ago.  As a matter of fact, a few of the posters here posted on that as well.  “Should by BF charge me rent?”   I should first say that not all the facts were told in that post.  I suggested we start talking about living together, she was unemployed but was very successful getting interviews and looked as though it wouldn’t be a prolonged unemployment.  My opinion is that in a household, both people contribute, not just with chores but montearily too.  My first suggestion was that she just pay what she was paying her current “roommate.” So it was a pretty short conversation, but she said she would think about it and we would talk later.  The next day, we talked and she flat out declined. Little did i know, she was paying more than I expected ($700) and I told her what I was thinking, my expectation was around $300-$400 a month.  After that conversation, came the post here on Yelp.  About a week went by and she told me she posted here.  I can’t say i was thrilled, but i didn’t flip out about it either.  I understand why she did it, but I would have preferred that she sit down with me and really lay out her expectations for us living together instead of letting complete strangers who know nothing about our relationship weigh in.  Once she found a job, which came not long after the post came out, I opened the discussion again and i suggested something different.  I said how about this, you contribute $400/month, $100 will go to the bills (gas, electric, water, etc.) the other $300 will go into a joint savings account for the household that i will contribute to also.  I wanted to build a household account so we could do things like fix the house up or even save for a vacation or something.  At no point was me profitting from this ever in the equation.  Again, I was told she would think about it and we would talk more about it later.  Promptly, my offer was again declined without any real back and forth or other suggestions of what she wanted. At first, it seemed like it was about giving her a helping hand, which i acknowledge i was a bit insensitve about with my first offer, but I don’t believe i was being unreasonable or out of line by asking her to contribute money to our household, now that she was working.

My house is not paid off, I have a mortage and while i don’t need her to help me to make the payment, my expectation was she would want to help in some way.  Utimately, her offer was that she expected to do all the cooking and cleaning and buying of groceries.  Don’t get me wrong, those things matter and are important.  I told her, that my expectation was that those would be shared responsibities.  As far as giving her a helping hand, she neglected to mention that I helped her with the downpayment so she could buy a used car so she could find a new job.

So when she said, “where is the helping hand?” That was kind of a slap in the face.  

Needless to say, her posting here changed how I felt about our relationship.  It opened my eyes that it was more about her and how I could lower her cost of living than about building a household and a shared life together.  Working together and living together.  I just felt very take advatange of and taken for granted in this situation.  I explained this to her and I was still the bad guy asking her to “pay rent” and killing the romance of us living together. Ce La Vie!

I’m gonna have to side with the boyfriend here.

After reading his response, it seems like he is a very level-headed guy. It does not seem like he was trying to take any financial advantage over his now ex-girlfriend. He offered to rent out at a below-market rate. He helped out with the down payment on her car. He was open to suggestions. All he wanted was not to be taken advantage of by “love.”

It is totally understandable.

Of course, the girl rejected his generous offer. She felt she was entitled to a free place to live.

If the situation was reversed, if the boyfriend needed a place to stay because he was down on his luck, would she have taken him in for free? If not, would people rush to his defense? Would they think he is some type of “prince” that needs to be saved? Or would people think he’s some kind of deadbeat?

She tries to portray herself as a modern women — one who can take care of herself — by mentioning that “for two whole years we went dutch and I still offer to pay and buy things with out being asked.” But what she really wants is someone to take care of her. In exchange for living in the house, she was willing “to do all the cooking and cleaning and buying of groceries.” That sounds more like what a traditional woman does, rather than what a modern woman does.

If the guy took her in, rent-free, it is very likely she will try very hard to get married (with him paying for everything), and then live eventually off the guy, like a parasite.

She wrote (with my emphasis in bold):

We did previously  go over the family plan and it was set for a time frame for within two years, and it wasn’t in a round about way that it was discussed. I spelled it out , if you are not ready for a family within  the next two years I need to move on.  S*** or get off the pot! That is why I believed that this was a move to the next level and why I went to the corner with my tail stuck between my legs when rent was brought up. I definitely wanted to think before I spoke and open my eyes to things that perhaps in my race to “Happily Ever After” I wasn’t thinking of. SO AGAIN YELP, THANK YOU!

And even if she got a job, I doubt she would voluntarily contribute money to the household.

That’s just it, there are other expenses to living besides rent and I have no problem with assisting with those. That is his house and if it doesn’t work I paid rent to pad his account and have to come up with first , last and deposit to move else where. WHY SHOULD HE GAIN FINANCIALLY TO LIVE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!

So instead of thinking that she got a bargain — paying less-than-market rate on rent, she is thinking that he will have some extra money in his bank account should they break up. It seems like she doesn’t have much faith in the relationship.

How the Boyfriend Dodged a Bullet

Now that they have broken up, I think he lucked out. He dodged a bullet. I could very well foresee his future if he married her …

He would work and make a lot of money. He’s already making over $100,000 so it’s safe to say he’s definitely going somewhere. She’ll continue working until she gets pregnant.

Once she’s pregnant, she will stop working. She’ll stay at home with the kid. She’ll get sick of taking care of the kid and demand the husband to contribute with the household chores. Never mind that he’s working hard during the day to provide for the family.

When the kid gets a little older, she’ll spend a lot of time in the beauty parlor and the mall. She’ll spend an exorbitant amount of money to keep up with her girl friends.

Oh yeah, she may do some housework here and there. But everything could be accomplished in a few hours. (Thanks to already-prepared food and modern technology that does much of the chores.) She’ll feel more and more bored … and then more and more dissatisfied with her husband. She’ll nag …

“Why do you have to work so late?”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

Why this? Why that?

When the kid gets older and goes to school, she won’t go back to work, even though she’ll have enough time to do so. By now, she and her husband will rarely talk. They will rarely have sex.

She will then meet someone new and exciting. She will fall in love. She will make an effort to look attractive, but not for her husband. No-sir-ee. It will be for the new guy. She will have an affair and will rationalize it by saying that it’s ok as long as her husband never finds out. And oh yeah … she never loved her husband anyway.

She has only one life to live, and must live for herself. If the husband eventually finds out about the affair, it’s no big deal. By then, she will have already secured most of her husband’s wealth. Even if they do divorce (thanks to alimony and child support), she’ll still make out like a bandit. She will have him by the balls.

What I Would Do

I understand that people go through hard times, and I wouldn’t kick her while she’s down. If she was my girlfriend, I would not charge her rent — with a twist. I will ask her for rent. And once she is on the cusp of paying, with cash in hand or a signed check, I will refuse her money.

Basically, I will test her and see how she reacts. Does she throw a hissy fit and demand that I take care of her? Does she get angry at me because I’m not supporting her? Or will she understand that I need money to take care of a house and will write me a check on the spot for whatever she can?

If she fails the test, I dump her. It’s that simple.

It seriously does not matter how much I make. I could make $30,000 a year or $3,000,000 a year. I will not spoil the girl and I will not be taken advantage of.

If you constantly spoil the girl and try to make everything easy for her, you will never know who she truly is. People are nice and loving when times are easy. You’ll have lots of “friends” when you’re footing the bill. But how many of them are nice and loving when times are tough? How many “friends” can you turn to when you are down on your luck and need a helping hand?

As someone who is rich and powerful, lots of girls will want you. Not because they like you, but because they like what you can offer — namely your money. If you want a relationship, you must weed out the gold-diggers.

A girl can tell you that she loves you. But words are cheap. She has to show you. A benjamin or two every month just might do the trick though. (And no, sex does not count. In western society, sex is cheap. It is as common as a $1 bill. Don’t be a basement-dweller Bob and put the vagina on a pedastal.)

Remember …

Even though you may be successful and well-off, never make it easy for a girl unless she has proven herself.

She must first be willing to pay rent before you take care of her.

Would you charge your girlfriend rent?

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Comments

  1. If she was contributing towards mortgage payments, she could make an equitable claim on ownership of the house after they broke up. So it is a bad idea for her to make these payments unless the by is very clear (possibly by getting it in writing) that they are rent. Better idea is to ask her to be responsible for certain bills, like water, electricity, garbage, food….

    • I actually did not know that. Good to know. If I ever gotta charge my girlfriend rent, then it’ll definitely be in writing.

    • Are you sure about this? Is it only in certain states?

      It seems strange that just kicking in to help with the mortgage could lead to ownership rights, especially if there’s not a common law marriage relationship?

      • Legal Partnership?!?
        My freeloader moved in with her kids after I got her pregnant! I didn’t make her contribute financially! For various reasons her kids father didn’t contribute! As the bills grew I asked for help and she refused! Now she wants to claim our son on her taxes!!

    • hi guys..I am little bothered of my husband xgf because I thought were done with her especially that my husband clear the households ownership and paid her back of how much money she contributed for the monthly payment *note already paid long time ago, 2014). Just yesterday she emailed my husband that she also wants to pay him for the house repairs and mowing backyard. What we should do so that she will stop disturbing my husband. *note,she only disturbed my husband until he founds out that he is already with me and got married last year *2016) Please enlighten me guys,thank you in advance……

  2. I wouldn’t necessarily charge a girlfriend rent, but you can’t expect to live with me for free. If you honestly do all the chores and the place stays spotless, there’s nothing to complain about. But if it’s quite clear that you will never do these things, and/or you insist on working a career to cut down on your time to do these things when I’m making >$100k a year, I’m going to ask for contributions to the house, if only to hire a cook/maid/gardener/maintenance people/etc…

    Buried in the girlfriend’s attitude displayed in that yelp thread is the presumption that her presence in your home will have zero negative impact on your life. She seems to be making an argument under the assumption that all her dirty laundry, dirty dishes, food consumption, messes in the bathroom, bedroom, etc… will all just be tolerated or they don’t exist to begin with. This is quite absurd, but she continues to act like it’s truth because it gives her a false standing on which to act indignant when the male asks for compensation.

    Ladies, male SO’s are not your father, you do not live in a husbands/SO’s house for free.

  3. Ah Yes! They want to be treated as equals but when the opportunity pops up they quickly start bitching about how we treat them so unlady like.

    Make up your mind!

    • Amen!

    • Papertrail says:

      Well if they are truly going to be equals why doesn’t he offer half of the ownership to her. That’s equality.

      I wouldn’t consider paying for food and bills as living there for free. The boyfriend benefits from not having to pay bills on his own anymore, yet on top of that he also wants rent.

      I think the ‘proving yourself’ to the other person goes both ways. She needs to agree to pay rent to prove herself to him? If he only wants to live with her if she pays rent, what does that say about him? Nothing good for sure.

      • Alex Ding says:

        If less-than-market-rate rent is so bad, you can always find your own place. You’ll most likely end up in a smaller place in a worse neighborhood at a higher price. Or you can always be that 30+ year old woman who still lives with her parents.

        And the boyfriend can rent it out to a person who will pay the full-rate rent.

        Let’s flip what you said and apply it to the other party:

        If she only wants to live with her boyfriend when she pays nothing, what does that say about her? Nothing good for sure.

    • Because I make more she decided she doesn’t have to help!

  4. I wouldn’t even let a girlfriend live with me no matter how down on her luck she is. I would do what I can to help her on her feet…but it wouldn’t involve being under my roof. That is only reserved for a wife.

    Cohabitation isn’t a good idea…especially since the government can sneak in common law marriage.

  5. Great post. I liked the dissonance you highlighted between the self-sufficient “modern woman” image she tries to present and her actions that reveal she wants to be subsidized by a supposedly equal partner.

    I think a lot of the unhappiness and drama women experience is due to their inability to fully adopt either stance. If they want to be fully dependent on men, own it and contribute to the relationship fully in other areas. This has worked in other societies for a long time. Conversely, if they want to live the western feminist dream, they should be fully prepared to contribute to the finances of a partnership.

    It’s difficult to navigate a world where women are encouraged to adopt the advantageous parts of both stances without any accountability for the responsibilities, and this behavior is facilitated by the courts, government, and society as a whole.

  6. “If you constantly spoil the girl and try to make everything easy for her, you will never know who she truly is.”

    You will know her fully MUCH later in the relationship. Women cannot help themselves from showing their true colors and money grubbing is (or should be) an expected trait. This guy seems a little in the dark as to the girl he has been dating for 3 years now. Though, she admits, that for the last year she has not been paying but only OFFERING to pay. I am sure the purse never gets lifted when those “offers” get made.

    He dodged a bullet on this one and his post should have reflected that. Mine would have been titled “WHEW!!”

  7. Paul Murray says:

    “A girl lost her job. Her boyfriend invites her to move in with him …”
    Right there, right there is where it went pear-shaped. Everything that happens after that point is mere commentary.

  8. Hi Alex. I willing to bet what I replied on the yelp site today will shed some light onto why you expected rent from her. Consider what I wrote….”A man wants an equal. That is the issue. Its not money; its about having an equal. There is money, sex/looks, and education. I believe these are the three main competing factors in any relationship. If he leads with money and education (i assume) and maybe even sex/looks how can he have you feel like an equal? Just give him sex when he wants it? Its not enough. A man loves to take care of a woman but not buy her her tampons too. Basic necessities should be covered by each individual (car, shelter, personal needs). The man can (and I do) pay for vacations and restaurants/fun/weekend trips. He does not want to pay for a woman’s basic needs. HE WILL NOT RESPECT YOU AND THE RELATIONSHIP CAN’T LAST.”

    • Alex Ding says:

      Hey Ravi,

      I think you’re onto something. In a relationship, both parties must gain something. In this case, the girl seriously overvalued what she is offering and it was prudent for the guy to bounce.

      • If sex is cheap or overvalued then why are you with your girlfriend? Can’t you just pay for cheap sex? Her body is her body and she can choose what is scared to her. My boyfriend never treats me right me unless I give him sex. Men have to have sex. Then cannot go a year without it. Women can. If a man wants me to pay rent then he should accept me not giving him sex. Then they would cheat or leave you for not giving him sex. Sex is a big deal to me. Men look at sex like is nothing. To me its very emotional and I’m giving up my body to someone.

        • Alex Ding says:

          Hey CC,

          In a relationship, the guy and the girl must feel they are getting something in return for their efforts. If your boyfriend has no ambitions and life and can barely hold a job, would you still like him? Probably not. If a girlfriend does not do chores around the house and does not put out, would the boyfriend like her? Probably not.

          “Her body is her body and she can choose what is scared to her.”

          A guy’s money is his money and he can choose what is sacred to him. So why work to support an entitled girl with a foul attitude?

          “If a man wants me to pay rent then he should accept me not giving him sex. Then they would cheat or leave you for not giving him sex.”

          This is why sex is cheap. Because if you don’t give it, someone else will.

  9. There is no way I would let her cook and clean and buy groceries to offset the cost of living.
    There is no way to put a dollar value on cooking and cleaning, plus she probably would forget to stock the shelves.
    I would have broken up with her before I even asked her to move in.
    She is obviously a leech and immature.
    Split everything down the middle as much as possible. This will help you avoid arguements and allow you to feel you are equal partners in the relationship.
    That girl disgusts me.

  10. my ex contributed to half the rent $150 wk and only food $100 wk when her kids stayed over and i was not to touch the food as it was for the kids only..i paid all the utilities and did all the chores with her spasmodically helping out..

    we both made 40K a year with our jobs and she had the additional income from renting her home after moving in with me so i affect she was earning almost double my income

    when we would go out she complain she had no money ?? expecting i foo the bill
    we broke up after i caught her cheating with multiples
    she said i wasnt worth the financial convienience and couldnt believe she had to pay rent .
    she also said i would grow to be a fat old man ( i only weighed 74KG)
    now she is dating an obese 200kg man who makes 80-90 k year and gives her a free ride

    hypocrisy at its best

  11. Since this thread is mostly about money and equality between the sexes I must start off with this: until the Gender Pay Gap is closed completely there can’t really be an equality between men and women or even a fair discussion about it unless these FACTS are figured into the discussion. This goes waaaaay beyond the statistic of 79% women’s earnings compared to men’s (there are other statistics far lower state to state and for women of color– See http://www.aauw.org/research/the-simple-truth-about-the-gender-pay-gap/) . Not only do women get paid less but they PAY MORE in other life situations such as mortgages, drycleaning, haircuts, personal care products, cars, and clothing (see this article on Marketwatch: ( http://www.marketwatch.com/story/5-things-women-pay-more-for-than-men-2014-01-17).

    Still, one can strive for a fair distribution in one’s personal living together situations…
    If one really wants to create an equitable and fair situation between a man and a woman at home one would have to first balance out all of the disparities. If for example the boyfriend earns X amount more than the girlfriend, you could say the mortgage is 40% of the man’s take home pay so I will only charge my girlfriend 40% of HER take home pay– the numbers would be different for each but equitable in terms of real earned dollars. That’s just crunching numbers.

    There are other facts. For example did you know that men benefit from marriage more than women do? New studies prove their health and longevity improves: (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11668417/Marriage-is-more-beneficial-for-men-than-women-study-shows.html) while women gain extra stress in their lives.

    The key to successful relationships is finding balance between independence and traditional roles. True partnership requires good communication.

    I could go on and on. When the original female Yelper said “where’s the romance?” I think she struck a chord. ANY relationship is going to be a give-and-take and one person will sacrifice more than the other for the greater good of the relationship. It’s up to the individual to follow their intuition to weed out the gold-diggers and deadbeats and find a partner who is faithful, loyal, and true. That’s about being authentic and having integrity. Spoiled little girls and boys need not apply.

    • Grumpy man says:

      I don’t think Gender Pay Gap is an issue here… Also, I certainly don’t see how females pay more for a mortgage than a male – that’s totally impossible. However, I do think there are cases where women are paid less for doing the exact same job as a male. Course, that happens for males vs males too… Salaries are always negotiated when taking on an employee. I had a girlfriend that was a banker, and she never sold herself short, but she was very successful and knew what she was worth.

      In regards to charging rent, I’d charge what the current rate is minus a bit. I did this with my current girlfriend and it worked out well for a few months… Course, then she must have gotten onto one of these sites, or it simply had been a marginal thought to begin with. Keep in mind, she asked me to move in. In the past, I’ve rented a place for $1500 and split the rent with someone, usually asking for 1/2 of the electricity and 1/2 of the cable & internet bill. Usually, I got the Master Bedroom, so I’d pitch in a little more. Say the bills were $1500, $200, $100 totaling $1800; I’d charge $800-$850. With my girlfriend, I told her I would be willing to go down to $700 – she eventually got me at $650 without any utilities. Now, keep in mind that she had been paying $1200 rent, $50 electricity, and $100 at her last place ($1350).

      Presently, she continue to balks at paying the $650, either wanting to pay me $600. It’s really become more nagging than what I kinda want to tolerate, and really should just tell her to leave. I’m sure she would have left if she could get a better deal, but this is the typical way women go about financially abusing men and expecting their entitlements due to relationships or sex.

      I think it’s completely ok to charge a girlfriend rent as with todays society there is typically no longer one bread winner in the household. Although it happens, it is rare and it happens in various classes with various degrees of success.

      I’m not holding my current girlfriend back, and she’s free to go. Actually, I’m on the verge of getting rid of her, because there are women out there that take financial responsibility and don’t look at sex as a tool. By the way, women need sex just as much as men. There are some women that can go a year with out sex and there are men that can do the same. Sexual desire fluctuates with many factors…

      Anyway, I’m certainly glad I’m not marrying this girlfriend, because the scenario would be just as the previous poster led on – a divorce with her trying to take her entitlements.

      Finally, if you take a poll/survey, you’ll find that most women past the age of 50 are out of shape vs men…

  12. 22yoCollegeGal says:

    Hey there! Just gotta say thank you for sharing this! This past weekend I moved in with my boyfriend of 10 months (known each other for a year and a half; met each other’s family- all that good stuff) and while on the way to my sister’s house, I called her to let her know I swung back by my house to drop off rent to my boyfriend, but that I was on my way to visit. She flipped out! She told me I shouldn’t be paying half of rent and it pissed me off because I felt like she was trying to say my boyfriend isn’t a good man or that I’m being mistreated by paying half of rent. After stating my case, she went on to say, “I guess that is an ok arrangement for now, but if you guys get married it shouldn’t be that way.” -__- I had to go to the web to figure out if I was crazy and I’m coming to the conclusion that we just have very different ideals. My mom and sister believe men should pay for everything, but I’ve seen how that dependency can completely destroy a woman’s life when a man leaves (happened to my mom and sis). Therefore, I have more expectations of myself that are not affected at all if in a relationship or not. I’m in college, renting a house with someone I love, we’re in a good neighborhood, nice kitchen, big backyard, garage, washer/dryer, etc….splitting rent 50/50 makes it a steal for the area which is close to school and work.

    Anyway this post has provided some relief to my sister’s protest. I know I have a great boyfriend. I am completely at peace with my lifestyle and decision to have the type of financial arrangement that we do. Thank you for the reassurance.

  13. Hi, are you discussing business as usual or love and partnership in life? I’m a girl, I own an apartment and if I had a boyfriend I would not charge him rent. I would expect him to pay for meals and entertainment, but I feel it’s unfair to charge your lover, friend etc. for the privilege of living under the same roof with you. Your partner could surely contribute in other way, say, fixing your car, be there for you or just being awesome. You mortgage etc is your choice. Why your partner should help you paying it off while giving up on his or her ownership dream? You expect your gilfriend to rent forever? What if she did, 20 years pass, she get sick etc and you fall in love with other woman? She will be on the street as I bet you are savvy and made her sign all sorts of legal agreements saying she is not getting a cent of what is rivhtfully yours? Tell me, what if you both could buy a house financially, but you happen to own yours already? Then what girl should do? Be a forever renter hearing that this is NOT her house if she say wants the walls green and he wants them blue? You sound like you are looking for a business offer! “I don’t need her I will find another renter!”. That just sums it up nicely. Because for you, books, clothes etc of you love would be too much to tolerate for free.

  14. J from TX says:

    Thanks for the article. Itself as well as the comments have given me a stronger perspective on my current situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. We’ve had to do the long distance thing for the past year. She was finishing up nursing school in Chicago, I own a business down in Texas.

    Recently I had to fire a very large client (a $40,000 a year client). This has cut my income literally in half. (It turned out to be a very deceitful client who would have jeopardized my business had I continued the relationship with them). My gf has finished nursing school now and is looking for jobs down in Houston. She is completely against moving away from her family, but knows that I can’t just piss away the business that I own… I’ve worked too hard over the last 5 years establishing this business).

    After 15 long years of a mortgage on a condo I have FINALLY managed to pay it off (*cheers*). This does not make the condo free however. The taxes on the place are still about $325/mo and the condo association fees at $300/mo. My girlfriend and I have recently had quite a few really bad fights because I haven’t been trying to replace the income that I lost. Let me say that the loss of client has placed a major damper on my psyche (it caused a good amount of depression). 1. Because of the income loss, and 2. Because this client ended up putting me give or take $20,000 in debt over a VERY shady practice they decided to take (under my nose at that) (it is currently a legal matter that I am more than likely litigating over), but that doesn’t make the $20K debt just disappear overnight.

    I recently told my gf that when she moves in I need her to help pay half of the taxes/condo association fees ($325 a month from her. $325 from me). She’s literally been throwing a fit that I’m even asking for her help in so that it can free up some extra money/month so that I can literally use that for legal fees/paying the debt down. Her defense is that her plan before she met me was to live with her mom for free the first year out of nursing school… I told her “then fine… Go live with your mom then… I’m not stopping you, I’m simply asking for your help while I’m financially down…). If you’re not willing to do that then maybe you should find someone who’s just going to let you do whatever the hell you want and they’re going to pay for it. Let me finish by stating her last relationship was a 7 year marriage of hell. He paid for absolutely everything while she was in nursing school (he makes ~$250,000 a year), but he ended up cheating in the marriage and it turns out that he literally was a polygamist… Which destroyed her heart for most of the marriage. She has a huge heart deep down underneath the scars (she really does… Her type is the type a man would want to mother his children)… But I feel that her feelings/opinions atm are completely effing misconstrued and if she literally just wants a free Effin ride even though she’s about to start out a nursing position @$60,000 a year, then go find another man who’s going to pay for your everything, all the meanwhile have absolutely ZERO respect for you (just as happened with your previous fkn marriage).

    Advice? Thoughts? Help? I do love her with all my heart (this is a side of her that unfortunately I hadn’t seen until now?). I honestly don’t feel like she’s that type of person deep down inside… She’s just misconstrued as fk?

    What is up with these women that fkng want equality, total modernism, equal treatment, etc….but don’t expect to then be an equal or equitable contributor??? Ladies??? Come on….

    Thanks for your thoughts/opinion in advance.

    -J from TX

    • Alex Ding says:

      Hey J,

      Sucks to hear about the client that screwed you over. But you’ll learn and bounce back stronger!

      As for women, you’ll find that time degrades them. In the beginning, everything is good. She looks good. She behaves. She meets your halfway. But then time creeps up, which brings you to your position. Where do you think it will go from here?

      I always wanted a girl who was there for me when I was a nobody. Because then when I’m a somebody, I know I can trust her. Never found her. What a shame.

      When you make it big, do you think your girlfriend will want a part of that? If so, why can’t she share in the temporary struggles?

      And what you’re going through now could be a blessing in disguise. You see a person’s true face when she’s under pressure. Because anyone can seem perfect when the conditions are perfect. But it takes a person with character to remain so when everything’s falling apart.

      I’m not going to tell you what to do. There are a few good girls that will stand by your side no matter what. But from your girlfriend’s actions so far, she does not seem to be one of them.

    • Note: I don’t have all the facts, so take this with a grain of salt.

      But… One thing that strikes me is how you’re not recognizing the sacrifice she’s making in leaving literally her entire life behind in Chicago to come be with you. Does that mean she shouldn’t pay half? No. But that tone of expectation– that your business is so important that moving on your end is not even a talking point– wouldn’t sit well with me. If I were her, I’d stay in Chicago and focus on my dreams/ goals with friends and family nearby. Because that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re following your passion, working on your business, staying in a place you’ve called home for 15 years… nothing in your life changes by having her come live with you except that you get the benefits of a partner emotionally supporting you during a difficult time AND helping with the payments. Meanwhile, she uproots her ENTIRE life.

      You seem like a nice guy, and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through– hang in there, it will get better. But this isn’t about women who claim to be modern then don’t want to help financially– it sounds like what she’s struggling with is actually the fact that she has to give up everything she’s used to and just meld into you life like it’s nothing. Historically, this has been the expectation, so it’s not even seen as a sacrifice, despite the fact that it is.
      It sounds like the only way you’re living together is on your terms. All the sacrifice comes from her– zero from you– even though you “really love her.”

      For me? I’d stay in Chicago and do my own thing.

  15. Charging your girl rent- first of all if she lost her job & is in a temporary hardship & he offers to provide roof until she gets another job & she is limited on cash flow, it’s unrealistic to expect her to split rent & costs in half…. With no job!? That is ridiculous! If she provides other services like cooking & cleaning since $$$ not there… That should be fine .. … Until she gets a job. At that time, once she is back on her feet she can move out & seek her own place ( especially if the boyfriend is not providing a ring or commitment for a partnership.. Otherwise your simply looking for a roommate to pay rent & have unlimited sex & do chores …. (Play house without a real commitment?) frankly, she is better off moving out until relstionship is more serious. If there are money issues already, it’s going to be a bumpy relationship to put demands on her with no string/ring attached or in the works. If she gets job & wants to stay there … And does not offer to help with cash flow … It sounds like a talk – powwow is in order to share both expectations BEFORE demands are made. Again, no engagement – what do you expect? Help her until she gets a job is being a loving gentleman- but if your expect $$$ while no job … You only cause more tension. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Lastly, if you have NO intension in settling down with her or getting her a ring to show “partnership”, don’t mislead her…. You actually need a roommate – not girlfriend. Woman want to be secure & adore- not taken advantage of.
    Meeting her when she is in hardship &’waiting for her to find a job is a feather in your cap & she will appreciate (should) your efforts. If you want to play house – then think about settling down so she knows you are serious…. Then she will be more likely to help with your future together like a couple:-)

  16. Lost In Paradise says:

    Hi All…I love reading this 100%. Most comments and concerns on here are good points!!

    Here’s my situation. And I need help BAD!! I do not know what to do or think…I guess that’s why I’m here asking you all to chime in.
    Sooooo….. My boyfriend and I moved in together about a year ago. When I met him I had just moved to the city for a new job. He had been here in the city off and on his whole life. I guess when he was younger he got into some really bad trouble and it caught up to him and he did a moderate stint in a max security prison. So needless to say he is a felon. I really don’t mind that, as he has shown me that all the things he did was in his past and he regrets what he did and knows how it has negatively affected his life. This being said…. When I met him he was working at a music studio here and in a few other cities within the state. He would also go on tour with some of the artists, when they would do shows around the country, as their security guard. He was making decent money I would presume. He had a newer Range Rover and he split rent with another guy in a condo that costed $4000 a month. He has the most amazing clothes/shoes/belts/hats/jewelry to die for and so on……..
    So we moved in together with the assumption that we would split the bills that included rent, cable, electric, internet and food. I asked before we moved if he could help out with the moving expenses such as the down payment on the place (first, last, security deposit-basically three months rent up front) as well as the down payments on the utility bills to get them turned on or switched to the new address. He assured me that everything would be fine, he would pay and all would work out. He never paid a cent. So then the agreement was for him to just give me $400 a month. He said that was reasonable and sounded fair. So, I really didn’t say much. I didn’t want to sound petty or obsessed or stressed out about money. So I let it go to the back burner for the moment because he basically moved all my belongings for me. I got the moving van for my things and that’s all I had to do. I didn’t have to lift a finger. As well as when it came to decorating the place or painting the walls the colors we wanted or hanging curtains, he did it allllllll. So for that, I just left it alone. But as the months went on, he had not worked, did not even take one job or try. He just told me if I wanted us to stay together he needed to find a different way of making money because if he was to go back into the studio or go on tour we would never see each other and it would be possible for him to cheat or get caught up with another female. He says for the sake of our relationship and he wants to stay faithful he won’t go back to doing that job. In the mean time something happened to his Range Rover. Actually almost two weeks into living together I noticed his Range Rover not being around and he always asked to use my vehicle ( a new Lexus I just purchased with the money I was making from my new job). I didn’t mind because he said it was in the shop and needed something major repaired and he was getting new rims put on it because he cracked his last ones. This went on for about two months before he finally told me he wasn’t getting the Range Rover back because he was going to sell it and the guy that was doing the repairs was the one selling it for him. To this day (like I said almost a year now) he has not had his own vehicle nor “sold” his. I hate that he drives mine every day! Should I be like this?? I drive my car to and from work every day. But while I sleep during the day (I work overnights) he uses my car to do what ever. So between the two or us we put on 100 miles or more a day on it. But again, I don’t complain. I want to be the supportive girlfriend and not complain about money because I know every one goes through ups and downs in life and I know it can’t be 50/50 all the time. He does most of the house work..cooks every night..sends me to work with a huge plate.. he takes care of my dog when I’m at work..he keeps the house decently straightened up. I do all the laundry and the deep cleaning when I have days off and I pay ALLLLL the bills and put food on the table. I have expressed my concern a few times now since it is reaching the year mark. We have gotten into it pretty good a few times about it. I am at my whits end with footing the bills all the time. I even have to pay for our entertainment. When does this become an unfair situation or is it fair because he takes care of the household while I go out and get the money? Is this a true roll reversal? I am the man in the relationship and he is the female?? Help because I am lost and we are about to end. And maybe we should….Let me know your all thoughts.

  17. Timberowl says:

    This comes off as slightly sexist to me, especially near the end. My boyfriend and I have lived together for over 4 years. I owned the last house we lived in, and he paid all of the utilities while I paid the mortgage. Since we moved to another state, I’ve been the only one working for over a year. I’ve covered all of the bills, my mortgage on both houses, as well as the groceries, restaurants, etc. I don’t earn nearly as much as the boyfriend mentioned in this post. The understanding is that he’ll be paying rent once he’s working. He is down on his luck, having a hard time finding a job, and it is what it is. I can’t wait for him to find work, but it is what it is, and I wouldn’t think of “kicking him out” over it.

    “If you constantly spoil the girl and try to make everything easy for her, you will never know who she truly is. ”

    Why only “the girl?” Why not “someone,” ” a person” or “your partner?”

    • Alex Ding says:

      Because I write for successful men, the ones who make more than their women. This article is not for unsuccessful men. Nor is it for women.

  18. OK I have been living with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years in a house that he bought shortly after we met. We have been together for three years now. When we moved in, he was charging me $850 a month for rent. After a year and a half I said the cable was getting too much for me to pay as I am Social Security disability and a widow. It is a very large home very nice home and I love my boyfriend. He is an electrician and makes a lot more than I do. He has now had a roommate move into our basement and charges him $700 a month for rent. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of am I wrong? Why is the roommate playing less than I am when I cook clean and not to mention I am his girlfriend??? Am I being selfish? I’m using my late husband’s money to pay more than half of his mortgage payment every month.

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