A few days ago, I stumbled across a very interesting discussion on Yelp. A girl lost her job. Her boyfriend invites her to move in with him, but she will have to chip in some money every month. The girl gets offended and wants validation to feel the way she does:
My boyfriend of three years who makes over 100K per year,( his last bonus was 13K )and he owns his home, recently offered to let me move in. I am a recently unemployed sales rep, who on average when working makes high 40-mid 50K. My Boyfriend counter offers the move in with “you can pay the same that your paying now to your current roommate, I wouldn’t ask you for anymore than that”. I calmly said I would think it over, but feel just sick to my stomach. I feel any romance to the situation was out the window, we have spoke of children and getting married someday. Will he turn to me while I am in labor and say ” Oh yeah, rents due!”. I am not a girlfriend who just takes, for two whole years we went dutch and I still offer to pay and buy things with out being asked. Please also keep in mind I am recently unemployed, where is the helping hand here? OK YELPERS, LET ME HAVE IT…AM I WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY?
The responses in the beginning were mostly sympathetic to the girl. Some say not to move in with him. Some say to break up with him. And some say to charge him for sex.
There were a few responses asking why should he support her. If she wants a free place to live, she can move back with her parents.
Towards the end, the boyfriend responded:
I have some experience here. My now Ex GF posted here not that long ago. As a matter of fact, a few of the posters here posted on that as well. “Should by BF charge me rent?” I should first say that not all the facts were told in that post. I suggested we start talking about living together, she was unemployed but was very successful getting interviews and looked as though it wouldn’t be a prolonged unemployment. My opinion is that in a household, both people contribute, not just with chores but montearily too. My first suggestion was that she just pay what she was paying her current “roommate.” So it was a pretty short conversation, but she said she would think about it and we would talk later. The next day, we talked and she flat out declined. Little did i know, she was paying more than I expected ($700) and I told her what I was thinking, my expectation was around $300-$400 a month. After that conversation, came the post here on Yelp. About a week went by and she told me she posted here. I can’t say i was thrilled, but i didn’t flip out about it either. I understand why she did it, but I would have preferred that she sit down with me and really lay out her expectations for us living together instead of letting complete strangers who know nothing about our relationship weigh in. Once she found a job, which came not long after the post came out, I opened the discussion again and i suggested something different. I said how about this, you contribute $400/month, $100 will go to the bills (gas, electric, water, etc.) the other $300 will go into a joint savings account for the household that i will contribute to also. I wanted to build a household account so we could do things like fix the house up or even save for a vacation or something. At no point was me profitting from this ever in the equation. Again, I was told she would think about it and we would talk more about it later. Promptly, my offer was again declined without any real back and forth or other suggestions of what she wanted. At first, it seemed like it was about giving her a helping hand, which i acknowledge i was a bit insensitve about with my first offer, but I don’t believe i was being unreasonable or out of line by asking her to contribute money to our household, now that she was working.
My house is not paid off, I have a mortage and while i don’t need her to help me to make the payment, my expectation was she would want to help in some way. Utimately, her offer was that she expected to do all the cooking and cleaning and buying of groceries. Don’t get me wrong, those things matter and are important. I told her, that my expectation was that those would be shared responsibities. As far as giving her a helping hand, she neglected to mention that I helped her with the downpayment so she could buy a used car so she could find a new job.
So when she said, “where is the helping hand?” That was kind of a slap in the face.
Needless to say, her posting here changed how I felt about our relationship. It opened my eyes that it was more about her and how I could lower her cost of living than about building a household and a shared life together. Working together and living together. I just felt very take advatange of and taken for granted in this situation. I explained this to her and I was still the bad guy asking her to “pay rent” and killing the romance of us living together. Ce La Vie!
I’m gonna have to side with the boyfriend here.
After reading his response, it seems like he is a very level-headed guy. It does not seem like he was trying to take any financial advantage over his now ex-girlfriend. He offered to rent out at a below-market rate. He helped out with the down payment on her car. He was open to suggestions. All he wanted was not to be taken advantage of by “love.”
It is totally understandable.
Of course, the girl rejected his generous offer. She felt she was entitled to a free place to live.
If the situation was reversed, if the boyfriend needed a place to stay because he was down on his luck, would she have taken him in for free? If not, would people rush to his defense? Would they think he is some type of “prince” that needs to be saved? Or would people think he’s some kind of deadbeat?
She tries to portray herself as a modern women — one who can take care of herself — by mentioning that “for two whole years we went dutch and I still offer to pay and buy things with out being asked.” But what she really wants is someone to take care of her. In exchange for living in the house, she was willing “to do all the cooking and cleaning and buying of groceries.” That sounds more like what a traditional woman does, rather than what a modern woman does.
If the guy took her in, rent-free, it is very likely she will try very hard to get married (with him paying for everything), and then live eventually off the guy, like a parasite.
She wrote (with my emphasis in bold):
We did previously go over the family plan and it was set for a time frame for within two years, and it wasn’t in a round about way that it was discussed. I spelled it out , if you are not ready for a family within the next two years I need to move on. S*** or get off the pot! That is why I believed that this was a move to the next level and why I went to the corner with my tail stuck between my legs when rent was brought up. I definitely wanted to think before I spoke and open my eyes to things that perhaps in my race to “Happily Ever After” I wasn’t thinking of. SO AGAIN YELP, THANK YOU!
And even if she got a job, I doubt she would voluntarily contribute money to the household.
That’s just it, there are other expenses to living besides rent and I have no problem with assisting with those. That is his house and if it doesn’t work I paid rent to pad his account and have to come up with first , last and deposit to move else where. WHY SHOULD HE GAIN FINANCIALLY TO LIVE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!
So instead of thinking that she got a bargain — paying less-than-market rate on rent, she is thinking that he will have some extra money in his bank account should they break up. It seems like she doesn’t have much faith in the relationship.
How the Boyfriend Dodged a Bullet
Now that they have broken up, I think he lucked out. He dodged a bullet. I could very well foresee his future if he married her …
He would work and make a lot of money. He’s already making over $100,000 so it’s safe to say he’s definitely going somewhere. She’ll continue working until she gets pregnant.
Once she’s pregnant, she will stop working. She’ll stay at home with the kid. She’ll get sick of taking care of the kid and demand the husband to contribute with the household chores. Never mind that he’s working hard during the day to provide for the family.
When the kid gets a little older, she’ll spend a lot of time in the beauty parlor and the mall. She’ll spend an exorbitant amount of money to keep up with her girl friends.
Oh yeah, she may do some housework here and there. But everything could be accomplished in a few hours. (Thanks to already-prepared food and modern technology that does much of the chores.) She’ll feel more and more bored … and then more and more dissatisfied with her husband. She’ll nag …
“Why do you have to work so late?”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
Why this? Why that?
When the kid gets older and goes to school, she won’t go back to work, even though she’ll have enough time to do so. By now, she and her husband will rarely talk. They will rarely have sex.
She will then meet someone new and exciting. She will fall in love. She will make an effort to look attractive, but not for her husband. No-sir-ee. It will be for the new guy. She will have an affair and will rationalize it by saying that it’s ok as long as her husband never finds out. And oh yeah … she never loved her husband anyway.
She has only one life to live, and must live for herself. If the husband eventually finds out about the affair, it’s no big deal. By then, she will have already secured most of her husband’s wealth. Even if they do divorce (thanks to alimony and child support), she’ll still make out like a bandit. She will have him by the balls.
What I Would Do
I understand that people go through hard times, and I wouldn’t kick her while she’s down. If she was my girlfriend, I would not charge her rent — with a twist. I will ask her for rent. And once she is on the cusp of paying, with cash in hand or a signed check, I will refuse her money.
Basically, I will test her and see how she reacts. Does she throw a hissy fit and demand that I take care of her? Does she get angry at me because I’m not supporting her? Or will she understand that I need money to take care of a house and will write me a check on the spot for whatever she can?
If she fails the test, I dump her. It’s that simple.
It seriously does not matter how much I make. I could make $30,000 a year or $3,000,000 a year. I will not spoil the girl and I will not be taken advantage of.
If you constantly spoil the girl and try to make everything easy for her, you will never know who she truly is. People are nice and loving when times are easy. You’ll have lots of “friends” when you’re footing the bill. But how many of them are nice and loving when times are tough? How many “friends” can you turn to when you are down on your luck and need a helping hand?
As someone who is rich and powerful, lots of girls will want you. Not because they like you, but because they like what you can offer — namely your money. If you want a relationship, you must weed out the gold-diggers.
A girl can tell you that she loves you. But words are cheap. She has to show you. A benjamin or two every month just might do the trick though. (And no, sex does not count. In western society, sex is cheap. It is as common as a $1 bill. Don’t be a basement-dweller Bob and put the vagina on a pedastal.)
Even though you may be successful and well-off, never make it easy for a girl unless she has proven herself.
She must first be willing to pay rent before you take care of her.
Would you charge your girlfriend rent?